Did your parents ever sit you down and teach you about boundaries? Because mine didn’t. Whenever they tried to tell me anything remotely related to boundaries, it was always about my stuff, like if someone took my stuff without asking me, then I better do something about it and at least speak up.
When I went off to college, my brother said the same thing. He said, “Now that you’re living in a dorm, you’re going to be around a lot of people, and sometimes your friends might jack your stuff without asking. Even if it’s something small, you need to say something because what’s yours is yours.”
What’s interesting is that my entire family was so focused on the material things when that’s really just a small part of boundaries. They never taught me that you can have emotional boundaries, or physical boundaries, like whether people can touch you. You also have time boundaries, money boundaries, and even boundaries with yourself. My family never covered any of that.
I realize I’m not the only one in this boat, especially when I talk to my friends or my clients. I’ve noticed that a lot of us grew up in homes where the only version of setting boundaries was modeled by our parents or our teachers, and how they set boundaries usually felt like a punishment or a reprimand because they were always telling us to stop doing this or don’t do that. School especially was a gazillion rules, and it wasn’t a system designed to teach us how to figure out our own boundaries since it was a top-down structure of teacher to student.
That’s why I think that boundaries for so many of us feel like we’re being mean or strict, when that’s not the spirit of boundaries at all.
So if you’re like how I was, with struggling to set boundaries, where you might benefit from a proper “Boundaries 101” guide, then this is the episode for you.
You’re listening to This Is How You Think, the show that remodels your mindset. I’m your host Jule Kim. Let’s dive in.
So one of my biggest pet peeves with boundaries as a topic over the last few years, is there’s so much content out there throwing the concept around, like telling people to set boundaries, and be a strong woman, step into your power.
It’s one of those things where it sounds good, but what I run into with my clients is they they’ll come to me and say, “I should set boundaries.” And I ask them, ok what boundaries? Do you understand what boundaries are actually for? And that’s when the conversation comes to a screeching halt, because they don’t understand what a boundary is.
The way I like to explain it is that your boundaries are your definition of what is and isn’t acceptable behavior around you, especially when it comes to your well-being. That could be mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, or any other area that makes sense for you. Basically, boundaries are a guide on how to get along with you.
It’s not about building walls, or being difficult, or telling people they’re wrong. It really is just your way of telling people, hey this is what I need to feel good around you, so that we can have a healthy relationship.
And notice that I said that it’s your definition, because what’s ok with you might not be ok with me, and vice versa. It’s kind of like food. Let’s say you like pizza, and maybe I do too, so we share that in common. But what if I don’t? I don’t get to tell you to stop liking pizza, and you don’t get to tell me I have to like pizza. It’s the same thing with boundaries. Each person’s set of boundaries is unique to them.
Now what many of us don’t realize is that there’s a 4-step formula to setting boundaries, so let’s get into it.
Step one is you need to understand what you’re comfortable with around someone else. That’s the starting point. If you don’t know what your boundaries are, you end up like an unwilling passenger in other people’s cars. You probably don’t know what all of your boundaries are, because most people figure it out as certain situations arise. That’s just a part of life. Sometimes you just don’t know how you’ll react until you’re in the middle of it.
I know this is abstract, so here’s the visual I draw for people. I want you to picture a force field around you, okay? That force field is there to shield you from stuff. It’s all of your boundaries, and you need this to feel safe and happy around other people.
Now imagine another person comes along, let’s call her Emma, and you two start to hang out together. But then, Emma does something that makes you feel uncomfortable, meaning, she’s crossed your boundary. For example, let’s say she’s one of my previous coworkers who told me, “You look very Asian today.” This really happened about 15 years ago.
This is where a lot of us get stuck, especially if you’re a people pleaser, because maybe we don’t know how to handle that kind of weird comment, and we don’t wanna hurt Emma’s feelings, right? So we don’t say anything. Or we say something like, okaaaaay, but Emma doesn’t know what that means and she keeps making more comments like that.
When you do nothing, that’s like turning off your force field. And if you hear yourself saying stuff like, “it’s fine, I’m fine, I know they don’t mean anything by it.” Or, “I shouldn’t be so selfish, I should be better than this.” These are always clues that you’ve turned off your force field. You’re not holding your boundaries.
Meanwhile Emma keeps doing the same stuff, because she doesn’t know or she doesn’t care. She’s living her best life.
But for you, you don’t feel good anymore. You’re not happy, and every time you see her make another weird comment you feel ugh. In fact, you start to get resentful and then angry over time. And you’re struggling because you want to be nice, like a good person.
Eventually, you reach a breaking point. You’re tired of feeling you’re being taken advantage of, plus you might have some health problems like burnout, or an ulcer, meaning you’re just done.
So NOW you finally express your boundary, but because you’ve waited so long and that resentment has built up big time, you express it with the force of a thousand suns, which is likely to end the relationship.
And the thing is, it didn’t have to be that way. You could have said something way earlier, but you were trying to play nice and you were avoiding the discomfort, which would have been temporary. But instead, you let it drag out over weeks, months, or even years. I see this happen with family or coworkers all the time.
This is what happens when you only have step one of your boundaries in place. You know something makes you uncomfortable, but you never say anything, which is why you need step 2 - you gotta say something. People aren’t mind readers, you can’t expect them to just know what you’re cool and not cool with.
Now while we’re on the subject, I’ve noticed something I want to call out. I’ve seen so many people use boundaries as an excuse to ghost others because they don’t wanna go through the effort of having a potentially awkward or uncomfortable conversation.
The whole point of having boundaries is to create healthy relationships with the people you choose to keep around you. That means you’ve gotta be honest about what you need, and be brave enough to say that to them, even if you think it’s not gonna go well.
This is where the work is. But this is also why I say that sharing your boundaries is an invitation, because you’re giving people the chance to maintain a relationship with you.
Which brings us to the 3rd step. After you tell someone what you need, if you want to keep having a relationship with them, eventually you also gotta tell them what’s going to happen if they don’t listen. You’re telling them, this is what I want, and if you want something different then that’s your choice. In that case, I won’t be around for that.
So in the earlier example with my coworker who said I look very Asian, me today would say, “Emma, I’m not sure what your intention was, but that was weird and makes me uncomfortable. I can’t be around you if I keep hearing comments like that.”
And now we’re at step 4, which is the part that a lot of people really struggle with. If push comes to shove, you have to actually enforce the consequences. You have to follow through. Otherwise, you’re teaching people that your boundaries are just empty words.
So with Emma, the next time she makes a comment about my Asian-ness, I would get up and leave. That’s the consequence.
Now, if you’re curious about what kinds of consequences to have, the most common type is usually some form of removing access to yourself. Here are some examples:
If someone is always late to your lunch together, then you leave instead of waiting for them to show up.
If someone is being nasty in an argument, then you let them know that you’re not having this conversation until they’re ready to keep it civil, and then you walk away.
If a coworker keeps messaging you after hours expecting a response, you tell them you’re not available outside of work hours. If they keep doing it, you stop responding.
So to recap the boundaries formula: 1) you have to understand what you need around other people. 2) you express that to them 3) you let them know what’s going to happen if they don’t listen. And 4) you enforce the consequences. If you don’t have all of these steps, especially #4, then you don’t really have a boundary.
Now I could say a whole lot more about boundaries, like why so many of us are afraid to set them in the first place, and also what to do when someone doesn’t respect your boundaries. But we’ll get into all of that in future episodes.
For now, just start here. Your boundaries are NOT optional. They’re a guide on how to get along with you. Not only are you allowed to have boundaries, you’re supposed to have them. The people who care about you and want to be in your life will be grateful to know where the line is.
That’s it for this week.
If you have any questions about boundaries, feel free to text the link in the show notes, or hit me up on LinkedIn.
Thank you so much for listening. And remember, I believe in you. See you next time.
