Why Accepting Compliments Feels Like a Trap

If you can’t accept a compliment without downplaying it, deflecting it, or chalking the whole thing up to luck, this episode is for you. I sometimes do the same thing, and for a long time I had no idea why owning my own accomplishments felt safer to dodge than to just sit in. I trace it all the way back to a report card and what  my dad said when he finally looked at it.

This episode shows why accepting compliments can feel like a trap, where that programming actually comes from, and how I’ve slowly learned to take the recognition in instead of shoving it away. I’ll walk you through the project I couldn’t pin on luck, and the simple thing I started doing that’s changing how I see myself.

Topics covered in this episode:

• The Mean Girls scene that explains why saying “yes, thank you” can feel like a setup
• The report card moment that taught me I wasn’t allowed to be proud of myself
• Why being good at something can feel physically dangerous long after you’ve left home
• How this showed up in my corporate career and in how I priced my own business
• The one client project I couldn’t write off as beginner’s luck
• One simple habit I started that’s helping me actually believe I’m good at what I do
• How to figure out your “special sauce,” which is usually the thing you keep brushing off

If you’ve got that one friend who rejects compliments like they’re allergic, this one’s for them too.

Transcript

Yesterday I was talking with a friend, and he tells me, "I think people hold you in really high regard. You should start recognizing that about yourself." 

I say, "I guess so.”

He asks, "Is that uncomfortable for you to say yes?" 

I say, "Hell yeah! A part of me knows it's kind of true, but to just say yes, feels like a trap, like it's dangerous."

This is where I'm going to date myself, but if you've ever seen Mean Girls, there's this scene with the popular girl in school, Regina. She’s talking to the new girl Cady.

Regina: Oh, you're really pretty
Cady: Thank you.
Regina: Oh, so you agree?
Cady: What?
Regina: That you're really pretty. You think you're really pretty. 

That's the trap I'm talking about. For me to just agree with other people telling me that I'm exceptional feels like I'm being set up for a fall.

I know it’s pretty weird, right? But this got me thinking, why are there so many of us that just can't seem to accept the truth about our gifts? That we are actually pretty freaking good at, or really smart with certain things. 

So if you've ever felt the same way, where somebody recognizes something special about you, but you just can't take it in, then you'll want to stick around, because I’m talking through why I do this, and what I traced it back to.

You're listening to This Is How You Think, the show that remodels your mindset. I'm your host Jule Kim. Let's dive in.

So I'm sitting here thinking about why so many of us are so freaking awkward about accepting recognition from people. And I don't reject compliments, I try really hard not to do that. But I do find myself often downplaying them, or reflecting a compliment back at the person.

Because in my mind, I'm like, well, share the love, man, right? And it's not like it's inauthentic. I always see something beautiful about every person in front of me.

But it is a funny how squirmy so many of us get. So I started thinking about this for myself, like, where does this come from?

I’m a firm believer that everything we think and believe is something we learned, right? We come into this world as a blank slate. So every single thing we know, we learned from someone or somewhere.

And as I’m sitting here thinking about this, this is the memory that comes up for me.

I'm a junior in high school, and it's report card day. My homeroom teacher gives me my report card, and says this is the best report card she’s ever seen in 30 years.

I open my report card. I have six classes, and my grades in four of them are 100, and the other two are a 99, and a 95.

I've always gotten straight As, but have never gotten grades this high. 

I go home, and I'm just bouncing. I'm so excited, I cannot wait for my parents to get home so I can show them my report card. And I'm thinking, finally, this is the moment, they'll have to say that I did a good job.

My parents finally get home from work, and I pounce on my dad at his desk, like Dad look at my report card! He puts on his glasses, looks at it, and then he points to those two classes, and he says, why aren't these also 100?

I feel like somebody slapped me across the face. In one second, I go from so excited and so happy and proud to feeling so small.

And I think that was pretty much how it went through my entire childhood. Even though I was placed in gifted classes, in our family, my brother Jon was the smart one. I was just one of the girls.

I guess it's weird now that I think about it, because me getting good grades was expected. It's what I was supposed to do, but it wasn't special, and therefore I wasn't special. But my brother was special,.

I don't know what it was. With my parents, it was almost like nothing I did was really celebrated.

Even when I graduated number two in my high school class, out of 435 people, my mom said, too bad you weren't number one.

I think this is how I internalized this idea that I don't get to own being good at something. Sometimes I was literally punished for being too matter-of-fact about being good at anything, or being smart.

I was never arrogant, or a jerk about it, but if somebody said I was smart and I replied, yep, thank you, oh my God, I would get my ass whooped. I was never allowed to acknowledge or be proud of myself.

So when my friend asked me yesterday if saying yes felt uncomfortable, and I told him it felt like a trap, this is what I was feeling. Owning that I was good at something was physically dangerous. 

And what a lot of my friends don’t understand is that the I’m-being-led-into-a-trap feeling isn’t paranoia. It was an accurate read of the house and family I actually grew up in. 

Of course the problem is, I don’t live with my parents anymore but my internal alarm hasn’t totally updated yet.

It’s probably why when I started growing my Instagram, not once did it cross my mind that maybe I'm just good at this. Even when people tried to hire me as a copywriter because they saw my posts, I remember saying, oh, it's just beginner's luck, oh, it's because Chris shared a couple of my posts, he gave me his followers.

I always had some reason outside of myself.

It’s kind of the same reaction when people tell me I'm smart. I used to say, oh, I'm not really that smart, I just work really hard.

Or you know what, I'm not that smart, I just know how to learn.

It’s like my younger self with the report card grew up, but I was still standing there expecting to get mocked or put down.

It’s why in my corporate career, I didn't ask for more money, because I didn't think I was allowed to. I had a really hard time speaking up in meetings because I always felt like I was about to get smacked.

And in my business, it’s why I used to undercharge. Several years ago I even sent potential clients off to other people, because I had this feeling like I don't really know what I'm doing, and they probably need somebody who knows way more than I do. I was straight up giving away work, because I didn't believe I was good enough for it so I was afraid I was gonna let them down.

And now, as I'm sitting here reflecting, a more recent example comes up. It's one of those times where I think, maybe I needed this to happen so I could have an opposite story, even though it wasn't a pleasant experience.

So last year for Black Friday, I took on a client at the last minute, literally the weekend before, to run his ads. And it takes me about four days to set up his entire email campaign and build about 100 different Meta ads.

The ads run for four days. And by the end, they bring in 30 grand.

When I look at that, oh man, 30 grand in four days is kind of serious.

There was no friend helping me through this, so no one I could shuffle the credit off to. And there's no beginner's luck I can point at either, because good luck trying to pull something like that off as a beginner. It was just me, using every single bit of marketing knowledge I had.

I have other positive examples like this, and I bet you do too but you’ve forgotten because you’re not writing them down. It’s why I’ve started writing down every day the moments that make me feel something or where I changed. 

It’s so important that we record these memories when we do something that’s pretty cool, because we only focus on the negative. I spent so long unable to believe I was good at anything because of how my parents raised me.

This is why I didn't really believe I was smart. I felt like I did pretty well in school, but my parents didn't allow me to actually think of myself as smart. In fact, they called me stupid all the time.

They put a lot of conflicting messages in my head. 

And it's taken me a long time to set the record straight with myself, but I'm finally starting to recognize that not everyone can do what I do, and that’s ok. Acknowledging our gifts doesn’t make us arrogant.

So if you're still listening, I want you to realize that some people are just never going to give you the words of affirmation that you've been waiting for. I got a lot of fucked up programming from my family and maybe you did too.

At some point I had to have a come to Jesus moment with myself and take responsibility for my own life. I stopped waiting for my parents to finally realize how special I was, because that day was never coming. I needed to be the one to see it.

The way I started embracing my special sauce was by writing down my moments. Every time I do something most people couldn't, or somebody comes to me for the thing I'm actually great at, I write it down.

So think about that one thing people always come to you for, the thing you brush off like it's nothing. That's your gold. Write that down first.

And this next part is really important, and I’m begging you to remember this, ok? You're allowed to own that you're awesome at certain things. Stop calling it luck. It's real, and you're allowed to be proud of that.

That means when someone who looks you in the eye and tells you that you are worth admiring, that you are someone who is so special, take the damn flowers because they’re yours. Stop downplaying it - stop fighting how cool you are. Just take it in and let it wash over you, from the top of your head all the way down to your tippy toes. Soak it in. 

And say thank you. 

You deserve to feel this.

Alright, that's it for this week. If you know somebody who needs to hear this one, or if you have that friend who's always rejecting compliments like they're fricking allergic, then do me a favor and send this their way.

It’s a 2 for 1! You help me grow the show, and you help somebody boost their self-confidence.

As always, thank you so much for listening. And remember, I believe in you. See you next time.