The Rainbows in Grief: One Year After Losing My Brother

This episode is about grief showing up in your body, why your feelings can hit long before your mind understands why, and how a grief anniversary can knock you flat a year later when you think you’re finally okay.

In this episode:

• Why you feel sad or low for no reason and can’t figure out why 
• What a grief anniversary reaction actually feels like from the inside 
• How your body keeps score of a date your mind has moved past 
• What grief can look like a year after losing someone you love 
• The fear that almost stopped me from talking about any of this 
• My favorite memories of my brother and who he was

If you’ve ever felt completely off and had no idea why, this one’s for you.

Transcript

 So yesterday I felt kinda weird, and I just felt really low all day. But I didn’t really notice that I was feeling weird until I was talking to a friend, and she told me about a certain content creator she knows, and I guess this creator isn’t really who they say they are.
 
Like, they don’t have the experience or expertise that they portray online. And I think what was really weird about this moment is because normally I would’ve been like, “Oh, of course. Like, another imposter, another liar.” And maybe I would feel angry or disappointed or cynical. But instead, I said, “Oh, no,” and I felt really sad, like I was gonna cry.
 
And I was like, man, that’s so weird. Like, why am I feeling like this? I don’t even like this person. But for some reason, it triggered this wave of sadness that just keeps going and lingering that whole day, and I try to brush it off But I continue to feel weird and off balance, and I just don’t know why.
 
And in fact, I don’t figure out what’s actually going on until around bedtime. So if you’ve ever felt something like this, like there was a disturbance in the Force, then maybe stick around for this episode, because I end up realizing what’s happening, and when I did, the whole day finally made sense.
 
Now, as I’m going through the day and I’m feeling like I’m just in this weird cloud of funk, I see the hormone testing kit that’s been sitting on my table for maybe around six months. I guess that’s kinda lame, but I haven’t sent it in because I’ve been somewhat passive aggressively ignoring it because honestly, I feel like the instructions were written by a man, because some of it does not make sense from a woman’s perspective.
 
Anyway, I see it and I’m thinking, “Great, you know, this is probably just yet another turn on this fucking hormone rollercoaster.” Like, “Okay, whatever. This is probably what this is. I’ll do the test and I’ll send it in later.
 
I go through the rest of the afternoon, the evening, I eat dinner, I work out and eventually I get ready for bed. It’s almost midnight, and then I see the date on my iPad, which is when it finally hits me because I suddenly realize what day it is.
 
It was a year ago, that I got the message that my brother was in the hospital in a coma.
 
And somewhere in the back of my mind, I think I knew this was coming up, but I hadn’t really thought about it, so I wasn’t prepared for this.
 
So I guess that’s a really good example of your body keeping the score or just knowing something before your mind does.
 
And overall, I think now that it’s been a year, I think grief is just really strange and chaotic and tumultuous.
 
And today I’ve had a really hard time getting anything done.
 
Honestly, this morning I just wanted to crawl back into bed and stay there.
 
I didn’t let myself do that, and part of it was a little bit like, okay, put your big girl pants on, and part of it was I wanted to get this episode out today.
 
But then I ran into a problem because my mind has just been spinning in circles around and around because I was like, “Well, fudge, what am I gonna talk about for this episode?”
 
And finally, I had to just be like, “I think I need to talk about this real thing that’s sitting on me right now, even though it’s heavy and maybe nobody wants to listen to this, but it’s sitting on my heart.”
 
And you gotta understand, because at first I tried really hard not to talk about this with you because, I don’t know, I think I always have this fear that I’m too intense, that this is too much, that I’m trauma dumping.
 
But today, this is the boulder in the stream blocking all the water from getting around it. So I think I just need to get this out. And maybe you’ve had a day like this too, where your reactions to things don’t really make sense. Maybe they’re disproportionate or just really out of context for what’s actually going on.
 
And maybe for you, it’s grief, like how it is for me, or maybe it’s something else.
 
But there’s the clinical detached part of me where I think it’s really interesting because it’s knowing that there’s so many feelings running in our bodies, and sometimes it seems to just take a while for our brains to catch up, like me yesterday and today.
 
And it’s funny because as I’m talking about this, this reminds me of an episode I saw on House, you know that doctor TV show with Hugh Laurie? Where someone ends up in the ER from chest pain, and I don’t know which season or episode exactly, but it turns out that the love of their life had died on this day years ago.
 
And I guess the person was experiencing actual physical pain from a broken heart.
 
I remember thinking, “Oh my gosh,” “That’s terrible.” Like, how horrible is that? I would never wanna feel like that.
 
But now when I’m sitting here and knowing that it’s basically my body is keeping track for me, is keeping track of the calendar, this is gonna sound really weird, but I think I’m actually kinda glad because I think this has been one of the biggest fears that moving on would somehow mean that I’m moving away.
 
And leaving my brother behind.
 
I think it helps me to see and feel this because it feels like proof of how much I loved him. And I know that I will forever be the person I am because of having my brother in my life.
 
This pain that I’m feeling, it’s so weird because I hate feeling like this, but at the same time, I love it and I wouldn’t have it any other way because this is the reminder that he was real.
 
So I’m sitting here thinking about my favorite memories of him and the stuff that’s floating to the surface is stuff like his laugh and how it sounded, us playing video games together.
 
The day I got married and he was so freaking genuinely happy for me.
 
And also how much he loved being a father to his children and how he couldn’t wait to show me his babies.
 
And he tried so hard to take care of them and provide for them.
 
I still remember being so freaking proud of him when he got a job at the post office. And I know that doesn’t sound like a big deal or anything, but he lived in Mexico and he didn’t have a car.
 
So he had to get up at 3:00 in the morning to walk to the border, make it across immigration, and then walk all the way to work, so that he could get to work on time for this new job.
 
And this is with a pin in his knee because he was in a terrible car accident that crushed his leg and almost killed him 23 years ago. So he was in pain every single day because of his leg.
 
That’s how much my brother cared about his family, his wife, his children and made sure that everyone was taken care of.
 
There’s nothing he wouldn’t do for the people he loved.
 
So yeah, that’s the person who he was and he was real.
 
A year ago, I think I was afraid. I think I was clinging on to the grief and maybe sometimes deliberately poking the wound because I was terrified that if I didn’t grieve so hard, that I would somehow forget.
 
But that hasn’t been true at all because I still think about him every single day. And now I know. The grief does feel different now, but it’s not a bad thing because I realize that it’s transformed into something so much more, something so much bigger. Like, It’s more love and more memories and more talking about him, because that’s one of the ways that I’m keeping his memory alive.
 
So how am I feeling today? Honestly, it’s been this confusing mix of stuff. I still feel some guilt that I didn’t spend more time with him. I’m pretty sad. I’ve cried while recording this episode. But I think there’s a part of me that also feels at peace.
 
And I think it’s because every time I get to share any part of this connection I had with him to other people like you, that’s what helps me feel more at peace. So if you’re still here, thank you so much. Like, I cannot express to you how much this means that you are keeping me company through this.
 
Yeah. Thank you.
 
And I just want you to know that if you’re going through something like this too, I see you and I love you, and I’m sending you all the hugs in the world.
 
As always, thank you so much for listening. See you next time.